Any Tina Fey or Amy Poehler fans out there!?

Sometimes I make inappropriate jokes when I am in a stressful situation...

But, in all seriousness.  

We had a miscarriage in September. It is the strangest experience; to feel the evidence of a life, the excitement of a new adventure and in one day lose it all.  It was so surreal to think that we were starting our own little family, almost hard to believe, but unbelievably exciting! Walking through the halls at school was no longer  a zombie-like march to a class that I didn't even want to be in, because I wasn't alone.  Everywhere I went I had my baby with me, even if no one else knew. You were my little buddy, our perfect little secret. And in one night you were gone.

Luke and I knew that having a miscarriage was a possibility for us, but even with that knowledge it was still impossible to prepare ourselves for such a great loss. You were only the size of a tiny, little poppy seed; but, already you had filled my heart and my life.  It is not something that you can just get over,  I don't know if I can ever stop thinking about that experience. Nothing is as amazing as carrying such a sweet, tiny life.

We prayed for that sweet little baby; I never got to hear a heartbeat or feel a kick, but I loved that little poppyseed. It is a hard experience and I still have my moments where I have to convince myself that I am okay.  But, I am grateful for the moments I did have with that tiny little baby.

I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and a plan for our family.  I don't know what that plan is, and I don't know why certain thing may occur.  But, I know that I am not forgotten (John 14;18, 27); I am grateful for the things and moments that I do have, and especially grateful for my loving, supporting husband, and for our future family.

"It’s hard to say good-bye when you never had the chance to say hello. I may never be able to hold them in my arms, but I will always hold them in my heart. They are part of me. Because of them, I walk softer. Life is more fragile, more precious."
 -Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard