Blessings and Trials

A letter to my baby

August 7^th 2016

SURPRISE!  We are having a baby!  But seriously, you surprised us little one!  In a good way, we didn’t think we would be able to get pregnant so easily and we were almost done with our home study application to begin our adoption process.   So, when I took a pregnancy test we were shocked when it came back positive.

I decided to take a pregnancy test just because, I really don’t know why because I didn’t ever expect a positive.  But, it was positive and I figured that it was wrong.  I woke up Daddy and showed him and we both agreed to not get too excited about it.  So, we got ready and went to church and neither of us really talked to each other at all.  On the way home daddy drove right to Walgreens and I went in and bought some more tests.  Daddy was so excited and said that he couldn’t think about anything else during church.  All the tests came back positive and we are SO excited!  We are very nervous though, we are nervous that we might miscarry and lose you.  We are worried about you and pray about you all the time.  We love you little one, we can’t wait to meet you and we are so excite to see you and big brother Truman grow up together.  He LOVES babies, so I think you will be quite popular here coming March.

September 13^{th 2016}, that was our 12 week mark and the day that everyone says your chances of miscarrying goes down significantly, it was also the day that we were going to start telling all our friends about the sweet little miracle that we were expecting.  But, September 12^th was the day that shattered our dreams.  I went to the emergency room with a lot of cramping and some bleeding.  The nurses treated me like I was crazy.  I was so emotional and I’m sure they were thinking that I was just an over paranoid mama to be who they were just going to do some blood work and discharge as fine.

The sonographer came in, he positioned the screen so I couldn’t see my baby and even though he didn’t say much he face said everything.  I tried holding back the tears and finally he told me that the baby wasn’t 12 weeks.  I finally got to see the baby, that baby that should be identifiable by this point was only a little blob on the screen, one that I still loved and longed for.  The sonographer tried reassuring me that things like this happen, women come in all the time who didn’t even know they were pregnant and are months along.  But, I knew that was a lame explanation to try and calm me down.  I understand women who don’t even realize they were pregnant, but I knew I was pregnant 12 weeks ago.  It makes no sense that I wouldn’t be where I should be. 

He came back with the transvaginal ultrasound machine.  Again, I couldn’t see the screen and he just stared at it clicking away for what felt like hours and I laid there and ran every scenario through my head.  He left without saying much, and I knew.  I sat there crying wait to be discharged.  The doctor finally came in, gave me an awkward hug and told me it would all be okay.

It will all be okay, I know it will.  But, right now it isn’t okay.  The worst is that nobody knows.  We didn’t tell many people about the baby yet, so nobody really knows that I am struggling with a loss.  I couple nights ago I was up all night with strong contractions and bleeding.  There was nothing I could do about it and there was going to be no baby to show for it.  each day I have been in physical and emotional pain and I have to just wait for it to pass.  People just go about their lives and I just sit there pretending to be fine, because I know that miscarriage makes people uncomfortable, they don’t know what to say or how to act.  But, it’s all I want to talk about.  I don’t really want anyone to talk back to me, just to listen, just to let me cry, just to acknowledge that no matter how small the baby was it doesn’t affect how big of a loss it is to me.  Luckily I have a wonderful family to support me, but I still feel alone throughout the day.  I do have hope and I know things will get better, but for now I am grieving, and I need to grieve and that is okay, because even though it will get better, right now I am losing something important to me.

Woman at the library: Is he (Truman) your only?

Me: *smile* Yes. (No, he is not my only.  Technically he is a middle child, technically I have three.  I know that’s not what you want to know, so yes.  He is the only baby I currently get to hold and love on.)

Doctors: How many times have you been pregnant?

Me: Three

Doctors: How many children do you have?

Me: One

Doctors: *staring at clipboard, checks something off*

Other moms: How many do you have?

Me: (three, I have three perfect little angels) One.

Friends: *Baby announcements*

Me: Congratulations!  We are so excited for you! (I am happy for you, I truly am.  But, I am also sad for myself.  I have had this image in my head of my family and it is not really turning out the way I hoped it would.)

My perfect little miracle, my rainbow baby, my hope and my heart.  I may be sad and hurting, but I am more than grateful and thank my Heavenly Father every day for this sweet little boy.