Appointments

This year I played around with the idea of starting a family vlog.  I've been watching a lot of other family vlogs, ranging from family homesteads (I will have a farm one day!  or at least some chickens) to families dealing with infertility and the blessing of adoption.  I loved the vlog idea because I wanted to use my experiences to help uplift others, assist with my personal self healing, and to have cute family videos...alas, I have put that on hold because dang it, it is hard and embarrassing to film so much and in public!  AWKWARD.   Haha, anyway.  This is a little clip that I did film about something that was kind of private and hard to talk about.  It happened early in January and it makes me feel vulnerable, but, I do want to share it because it is part of my life and if not through a vlog then maybe I can reach someone through blogging.

The hardest part of infertility, for me, has been the loss of control.  I have to depend on doctors and testing and medication to do something that should be so natural. I have to realize that there is a very real and high possibility of losing each pregnancy that I have.  It has opened my eyes to many different family situations, it has helped me to rely on faith.  In my darkest moments of self pity I am learning to rely on the Lord, I am learning to let go of my own want to control the situation and to let myself relax and know that things will work out the way they are supposed to, not the way that I want them to.  I have a beautiful little boy, and it pains me to think that he may be an only child, or he may not have a sibling for a very long time, or.  But, I have learned to enjoy every moment with my little guy.  This time between babies is so special for the two of us to grow and bond.  This is my time to be the best mom that I can be and to focus on being the best mom for him.