I did something stupid...
I read someones story about their still birth. I don't know why I always do this to myself.
It was beautifully written and filled with so much love and sincerity. It brought up so many feelings that I have been trying to bury these last few months. Feelings of greed, guilt, jealously, shame and sorrow. The truth is that in this moment as I write this I am not okay, but at the same time I know how blessed I am. The strength and faith that this woman had is so inspiring to me. I have been so selfish in my own trials. I think about my miscarriages every single day, which is fine, they are hard memories, but they are beautiful memories of the miracles that I was blessed with. The problem comes when I think of those miscarriages and I wallow in the sadness of them and loss that I felt, rather than the beauty of them and the gift that those short pregnancies were to me. I put on a brave face when interacting with others, and I try to bury that pain and selfishness during my day with my sweet little guy, because he brings me so much joy. But, in those quite moments when I am alone like tonight when everyone is in bed and I finally have some quite time to reflect, I am allowing these thoughts and feelings to consume me.
I have had wonderful friends here in Florida who have gone through different forms of infertility and loss, and they have been such beautiful examples to me. But, one of these amazing women is going through IVF treatment right now and I can't help but feel jealous. Jealous that there is some sort of progression happening in her life while I feel like I am getting no where. That also brings up feelings of shame for being an awful friend for having those feelings. I feel terrible because I should be someone for her to lean on but I can not have another conversation about pregnancy and babies with a smile on my face because I am stuck in my own pain.
I feel lost and encompassed by my want to have more children and in my own struggles with infertility and loss. I want to be pitied and I want to pity myself. I want people to know that I have struggles and I have suffered a loss and I am not getting my way because I am too focused on ME. I feel guilty for struggling so badly with early loss pregnancies, then I feel guilty for not honoring those pregnancies more. My thoughts are filled with visions of a home full of children. I want to fight for the family that I envision, I also want to give up. I don't want to have to fight through trying to get pregnant anymore, but that is all I want at the same time. I spend my time thinking about adoption and how beautiful that would be, I think about how wonderful it would be if I just became pregnant naturally or if I had a doctor who could give me answers or be more proactive. I want to be pregnant but then that terrifies me because I am scared of losing another baby. Then that makes me feel guilty and selfish for only thinking about myself during a loss. I feel guilty for not wanting to be pregnant because I might lose the baby. I stay in my own pain and I forget about the beauty it is to be pregnant even if just for a few weeks or months. I forget to think about that sweet little spirit and blessing that it is to be the mama of an angel baby, and most important I forget to remember the wonderful blessing it is to be the mama of the perfectly healthy and happy little boy that the Lord has trusted me to love on this Earth.
I am grateful every day for that sweet little boy, I never forget how blessed I am to have him in my life. But, sometimes I become so focused on what I don't have that I let myself become enveloped in anger and sadness, in self pity and jealousy. I forget to remember that I have so much, it may not be what I originally wanted for myself but it is so beautiful and so much better than I could ever have planned on my own. I am aware that people have it worse than me, a lot worse, I have some very close friends who are such inspiring women who have had way harder trials than I and who probably handle them with a lot more grace. I have been allowing myself to stay in this stagnant place, I have inadvertently surrounded myself with my own pain in the things I read, the conversations I have, my thoughts, even the things I pin on Pinterest, which just keeps bringing up more sad and angry post and quotes about loss and infertility. I am the reason I am not progressing and what a terrible disrespect to the Heavenly Father who has a wonderful plan for me and who has given me so much.
Maybe Truman will be my only baby, maybe he will have a bunch of little siblings. I need to learn to let go and be okay with that, I need to learn to have faith and trust in the Lord. I need to have more love and compassion for those who seem to be progressing faster than I am, I need to remember and support those who are progressing slower than me, I need to learn and do a lot of things. Mostly I need to learn that things take time and I need to face my shortcomings head on. It will take time for me to heal emotionally, it will take time for me to let go of the hurt and replace it with joy, it will take time for me to grow and mature. I am grateful, but I can show more gratitude, I think of others but I can be more selfless, I have struggles but I can improve, I am strong but I can grow stronger.
I have a beautiful life, I have the sweetest most loving little boy and I have his perfect Daddy as my friend and supporter. I get to watch those two giggle and wrestle and play in the evenings before bed time. I get to get him up in the mornings and he gives me the biggest smiles. I get to look at that sweet little boy all day every day and think about how lucky am I to have such a wonderful blessing in my life. I can't describe the joy that he gives me, he is such a beacon of light. I get to be part of this beautiful family that the Lord has created specifically for me. There is title given to babies who are born after a pregnancy loss, It is a Rainbow Baby. Truman is my rainbow after the storm, he is my rainbow everyday.
It was beautifully written and filled with so much love and sincerity. It brought up so many feelings that I have been trying to bury these last few months. Feelings of greed, guilt, jealously, shame and sorrow. The truth is that in this moment as I write this I am not okay, but at the same time I know how blessed I am. The strength and faith that this woman had is so inspiring to me. I have been so selfish in my own trials. I think about my miscarriages every single day, which is fine, they are hard memories, but they are beautiful memories of the miracles that I was blessed with. The problem comes when I think of those miscarriages and I wallow in the sadness of them and loss that I felt, rather than the beauty of them and the gift that those short pregnancies were to me. I put on a brave face when interacting with others, and I try to bury that pain and selfishness during my day with my sweet little guy, because he brings me so much joy. But, in those quite moments when I am alone like tonight when everyone is in bed and I finally have some quite time to reflect, I am allowing these thoughts and feelings to consume me.
I have had wonderful friends here in Florida who have gone through different forms of infertility and loss, and they have been such beautiful examples to me. But, one of these amazing women is going through IVF treatment right now and I can't help but feel jealous. Jealous that there is some sort of progression happening in her life while I feel like I am getting no where. That also brings up feelings of shame for being an awful friend for having those feelings. I feel terrible because I should be someone for her to lean on but I can not have another conversation about pregnancy and babies with a smile on my face because I am stuck in my own pain.
I feel lost and encompassed by my want to have more children and in my own struggles with infertility and loss. I want to be pitied and I want to pity myself. I want people to know that I have struggles and I have suffered a loss and I am not getting my way because I am too focused on ME. I feel guilty for struggling so badly with early loss pregnancies, then I feel guilty for not honoring those pregnancies more. My thoughts are filled with visions of a home full of children. I want to fight for the family that I envision, I also want to give up. I don't want to have to fight through trying to get pregnant anymore, but that is all I want at the same time. I spend my time thinking about adoption and how beautiful that would be, I think about how wonderful it would be if I just became pregnant naturally or if I had a doctor who could give me answers or be more proactive. I want to be pregnant but then that terrifies me because I am scared of losing another baby. Then that makes me feel guilty and selfish for only thinking about myself during a loss. I feel guilty for not wanting to be pregnant because I might lose the baby. I stay in my own pain and I forget about the beauty it is to be pregnant even if just for a few weeks or months. I forget to think about that sweet little spirit and blessing that it is to be the mama of an angel baby, and most important I forget to remember the wonderful blessing it is to be the mama of the perfectly healthy and happy little boy that the Lord has trusted me to love on this Earth.
I am grateful every day for that sweet little boy, I never forget how blessed I am to have him in my life. But, sometimes I become so focused on what I don't have that I let myself become enveloped in anger and sadness, in self pity and jealousy. I forget to remember that I have so much, it may not be what I originally wanted for myself but it is so beautiful and so much better than I could ever have planned on my own. I am aware that people have it worse than me, a lot worse, I have some very close friends who are such inspiring women who have had way harder trials than I and who probably handle them with a lot more grace. I have been allowing myself to stay in this stagnant place, I have inadvertently surrounded myself with my own pain in the things I read, the conversations I have, my thoughts, even the things I pin on Pinterest, which just keeps bringing up more sad and angry post and quotes about loss and infertility. I am the reason I am not progressing and what a terrible disrespect to the Heavenly Father who has a wonderful plan for me and who has given me so much.
Maybe Truman will be my only baby, maybe he will have a bunch of little siblings. I need to learn to let go and be okay with that, I need to learn to have faith and trust in the Lord. I need to have more love and compassion for those who seem to be progressing faster than I am, I need to remember and support those who are progressing slower than me, I need to learn and do a lot of things. Mostly I need to learn that things take time and I need to face my shortcomings head on. It will take time for me to heal emotionally, it will take time for me to let go of the hurt and replace it with joy, it will take time for me to grow and mature. I am grateful, but I can show more gratitude, I think of others but I can be more selfless, I have struggles but I can improve, I am strong but I can grow stronger.
I have a beautiful life, I have the sweetest most loving little boy and I have his perfect Daddy as my friend and supporter. I get to watch those two giggle and wrestle and play in the evenings before bed time. I get to get him up in the mornings and he gives me the biggest smiles. I get to look at that sweet little boy all day every day and think about how lucky am I to have such a wonderful blessing in my life. I can't describe the joy that he gives me, he is such a beacon of light. I get to be part of this beautiful family that the Lord has created specifically for me. There is title given to babies who are born after a pregnancy loss, It is a Rainbow Baby. Truman is my rainbow after the storm, he is my rainbow everyday.
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