Announcement!

So, as you have probably seen on Instagram we are expecting a baby!  

We are due late march, so yes this is a late announcement.  Pregnancy is often a bit of a scary place for us, so it can sometimes be hard to share something so big too soon. But no matter the time frame we couldn't be happier.

I have a lot of thoughts and emotions when it comes to pregnancy and family planning.  So leave now with our happy announcement or continue reading for my emotional roller coaster ramblings.  This is a hard topic for me to want to talk about and it's an area of my life that has been my biggest struggle and I am still coming to terms with, because I never thought it would be as stressful or heartbreaking at times.  I also never knew how much joy and beauty it would bring to my life. 

Pregnancy is supposed to be the time when you worry about your baby the least.  It s the time when everything is exciting, and uncomfortable, you are just excited to see what baby looks like, to cuddle that sweet thing, your mind is full of big hopes and dreams.  Pregnancy for me has become quite a scary experience.  Not only is actually getting pregnant a nightmare, but once I am it is a long waiting game just hoping that I can get baby to term just so that I can hold that little blessing.  I think that Luke and I have trained ourselves to not get too excited at the first positive pregnancy test, which makes me feel awful, so that we can protect ourselves from the pain of losing something so wanted. No matter how we try to control our feelings in the early months though, it doesn't change the outcome or the emotions that come with losing a baby, that is never something you can prepare yourself for.  Luke and I have recently read this book Fertile in our Faith by Krista Ralston Oakes that has given us a lot of perspective and a lot of hope.  A few little things that really struck me was  you should enjoy your pregnancy no matter how long it may last, and "Children are not the Lord's equivalent of stickers being handed out for good behavior".  I am not being punished for something because I don't have as many kids as I thought I would, in fact I am learning that I am being blessed with a beautiful family, no matter the size.  This is something that I have struggled with, 'maybe I would not be a good mom to more children', 'maybe I don't deserve to have more', it is hard not to go there sometimes.
I've known my whole life that I have wanted to be a mom, and I have also known for as long as I can remember that I wanted five kids.  It is so hard to let that dream go and to focus on the beautiful life that I have been blessed with in the moment.  I have always thought how wonderful it would be to have my first two babies be very close in age.  Well, nothing is quite working out the way I had spent my pre-married life dreaming about.  But, things are just as wonderful.  Luke one time asked me if I would trade in the trial of infertility and miscarriage for another if I could, and I surprised myself when I said no.  The more I am learning about myself and my family, the more perfect everything seems in the eternal perspective.  I still struggle sometimes, but I couldn't have planned a better family for myself, and I have gained so much in my own trials.
Truman and this baby will be 3 years and 1 month apart, and originally, when I thought I had control over my family planning haha I wanted two babies very close in age, now I think that this will be the perfect age gap.  I used to look at Truman and feel so guilty and sad thinking that he might be an only child, I would think to myself what a wonderful big brother he would be, how happy would he be to have a little buddy, I'm so sad that he doesn't have a sibling to get into trouble with and make memories with like I had.  Now, I am so grateful for this age gap.  I have learned so much about who Truman is and what kind of person he will be.  He is strong, independent, silly, and friendly.  Without this time of just our little 3 person family I wouldn't have had these beautiful moments to truly get to know Truman, and now I think this is the perfect time to add in a sibling.  With this age gap I think he will be able to understand a lot more and I feel that he will be very protective, very loving, and so excited to show a new person the ropes of life.  What a lucky little baby to have such an awesome older brother.  And what a lucky Mama I am to be able to watch it all unfold.
And along with all my joy I also feel guilty.  I know that for me getting pregnant is harder than it is for most, and staying pregnant is also a huge concern for us that a lot of people don't have to worry too much about.  But, I am also very aware that my situation is so easy compared to some.  I have amazing friends who have struggled and faced much more heart ache than I have.  And that sometimes makes me feel guilty for getting pregnant so 'easily', it also feels like I am not allowed to be sad for our past struggles and losses because I have two beautiful miracles.  But, I am learning that this is my journey, I am allowed to feel sad and happy, and I will not stop missing those little angel babies and I don't have to.  But, I will never take for granted the amazing miracle that is Truman and this new baby.  I will forever be grateful for what I do have, even when I am feeling down about what I don't have.

We are so grateful for what the Lord has blessed us with.  This baby has already brought us so much excitement and also given us some scares.  So far I have gotten an ultrasound every appointment I've been to just to check that we still have a strong heartbeat, I have cried every single time hearing that sweet little beat.  In the last month I have been having some heart problems and at my last OB appointment they sent me straight to the ER and now I am wearing a heart monitor just to make sure that everything is okay.  This has scared us quite a bit for the sake of baby.  However, everything seems to be looking fine with baby and we feel very positive.  We are not out of the woods yet, we still have many concerns and fears, our doctors are amazing and have been so loving and understanding.  Please keep our little one in your hearts and prayers.